I thought ‘heaven can’t help me now’
Nothing lasts forever
But this is gonna take me down
– Taylor Swift, Wildest Dreams
It was the intensity in his eyes that rendered me almost immovable. That crystal blue depth that seemed to pierce through the iron shields carefully nailed around my chest. Almost like they cut through it effortlessly; just a whisper in the wind.
Three simple words that had me scrambling for any protective device I could place my nervous hands on were enough to have me completely unravel:
“You intrigue me.”
Every fibre in my body was screaming out “No! Please! Look away!”
I hoped in vain that he wouldn’t see the faint discomfort on my face as I giggled nervously; determined to keep that shield wrapped tightly around me.
I couldn’t tell you what it was about him that tempted my walls to go soft as if they were suddenly made of mud. All I know is, in his eyes I saw the rain that would have been their undoing.
And now, as I swelter in the Australian humidity, in the chair he had almost melted me in, I think of him and smile.
My mind wanders to a world where he is here and I am unarmed and we are fine. The thought fills me with dread and is the tiny catalyst for an avalanche of questions; all of which begin with “What if…?”.
But for as long as he is gone I will remember the way he kissed me.
The way his hands swept through my hair like they belonged there.
How they travelled across my face and around my neck as if everything they needed was right at the tips of those guitar-string-scarred fingers.
As if he knew exactly what I needed.
I’ll remember losing the feeling in my toes as his lips found mine in the morning sun that cast ribbons of white across my bed.
I’ll remember the velvet in his laugh when I’d say something stupid.
I’ll remember his arms wrapped around me as I slept like he’d been doing it our whole lives.
I’ll remember letting go.