Before we start discussing my string of causal situationships, I think it’s important you understand the world I’d created for myself. You see, I was never online to find “the love of my life”. Nor was I there in the hopes that dating these men might bring me a new long-term situation. No, I was all about exploration and fun. I was what we call an “expiration dater” – meet boys, have fun, leave before it gets boring. The key was to never take it seriously…
But of course, in a world like that, there must be SOME rules. People get hurt otherwise. And there’s nothing worse than leading someone to believe there is more here for them when there isn’t. So I carried three rules into every new situation(ok not PHYSICALLY, but I always made sure the boys knew where they stood). Some of you will read these rules and assume that I am a narcissistic bag of shit who just wanted a way to justify sleeping around. I can say whole-heartededly that is untrue, and I’m hoping the more you read the better you’ll understand me. But for now, I will give you the rules just as they are, without any further justification or background than what I had given to each of the boys:
- We are not “dating”.
- We are not a couple. We don’t do couple-things. Sure we might meet up whilst out with friends and get drunk and head home together, but we do not go to the cinema, or for walks on the beach, or out to dinner (unless it’s immediately followed by copious amounts of alcohol and dancing). We have fun, we have sex, you/I go home. There’s no sleeping over, no “hanging out”.
- We are NOT exclusive.
- I don’t care who you’re fucking as long as you don’t give me The Clap (is that still a thing?). Girlfriends and wives are different – I will not sleep with you if you are in a committed relationship. Otherwise, I don’t care about your other adventures and you don’t get to ask about mine.
- You are not, under any circumstances, to fall in love or (what do the kids call it these days…?) “catch feelings”.
- You’d think this one was pretty self-explanatory.
Now, I know it appears that I’m a bit of an arsehole but you don’t understand… These men acted as if sleeping with them would immediately make me a “clinger” and that I’d definitely need to be their girlfriend. I couldn’t think of anything worse! Here I am trying to work out who I am and they think it’s all about them! Sweetie, you’re cute and all but the sex isn’t THAT good. Alternatively, some of them thought it meant they owned me and would start planning futures. Umm…
Not to mention, all I hear about these days is how “women can’t have sex without anyemotional involvement”. Apparently we’re wired to connect with men through our orgasms; apparently it’s science. Well, I must be half-male (or maybe I’m all-male…I should probably look into that…) because unless I actually wanted to connect emotionally to these people (and I never did), I was quite able to walk away without re-enacting the scene in Fatal Attraction where Dan tries to leave Alex and she slits her wrists over the kitchen sink. I mean, who am I to argue with science but uh… I cannot think of a single time where I emotionally connected to any man just because he was inside me. Not once did I ask them to ‘hold me’ when the sex was over. Never did I ask them to stay over (I often got real awkward on them right when I was ready to sleep, “Well, this has been fun… You should probably go…” *holds up palm, waiting for a high-five*).
Anyway, they’re my rules. And they served me well for a long time. Kept me out of sticky situations because I’d come with a “disclaimer”. That is, of course, until Gentleman Jack came along. He blew my whole cosy set-up out of the water. But he’s a story for another day. Today you’re learning the importance of having rules. Today I’m opening up another piece of my world and almost giving you all a reason to slut-shame me (what the fuck even is a “slut”? Let’s deal with that bullshit-word in another chapter, shall we? And don’t start commenting with the definition of “slut”; I know what it means! I just find it such a vulgar and discriminatory word when used in that context).
My point is, I was honest about my expectations with these men. I never lied to them about who they were to me. And most of the time it was a mutual agreement; the men were generally in the same headspace. Others not so much. Others would say “Yes, oh yes, of course!”, whilst thinking “This bitch! Watch me own her.” and then tell me I was an empty, shallow whore when they didn’t get what they wanted. But to be fair, I don’t even think they knew what they wanted. Because I can almost guarantee that in most of those situations, had I said “We should totally get serious.”, they’d start playing the delay-text game or just stop communicating with me all together. For men (and guys, please, I’m absolutely generalising here; not ALL men are like this I know), it’s about the thrill of the chase. The lust of what they ‘cannot have’. Being stringless was my choice. And I never allowed them to control me with their threats of abandonment. Because I just didn’t care enough. This situation isn’t enough for you? Ok, no problem; it’s been real. Oh, you don’t like that I won’t ‘commit’? No worries, mate. I’m sure you’ll find another girl who will! Just don’t be a dick and run the minute you find out she wants to. Fickle creatures, you are.
One of my favourite Vloggers is Nicole Arbour who, generally-controversial I know, speaks the truth when it comes to dating. And whilst, in this video, she basically argues against all of what I just said to you, she makes very fucking valid points about what it’s like to be in the dating-game these days. Except, boys are not the only ones who play. I encourage you all to watch it, you might just learn something new about dealing with your situationships.
Anyway! That’s all I have for you today. And all in under 1,100 words. Happy Wednesday!